You go on. You move forward and pretend that you’re okay everyday even when you’re torn apart. You act whole though you know pieces of you are scattered and left behind everywhere you go. It’s life, with all its self-wrecking moments. Then one day, you wake up, feel this ounce of happiness again and it’s a beautiful feeling to regain such hope. To experience this wonder in a blink of an eye—that’s your miracle right there.
I’ve walked away from people countless of times and never looked back. But when my name fell from your lips, all I could hear was forever saying goodbye. That moment I knew—how I would always long to come back to you.
Then there’s that one person.
The one who’s so beautiful yet so flawed. And you know you should’ve turned around but when he smiled, it made you feel invincible.
The one who taught you acceptance. For you know you can never fix him but there was always comfort in all the mess you shared
The one who’s built high walls around him. All your moments so intimate and guarded at the same time. Never tiring of trying to climb that fortress until you get to bask inside his chaotic palace.
The one who you’re always going to be scared to stay for, because it doesn’t make sense to do so. And you won’t ever figure how you were able to convince yourself every single time that it’s all worth the risk.
That’s the one person you’ll always come back to. The one your mind will always drift to after you’ve walked away. The one who will keep you up sometimes at night, and after a few bottles of wine, the one you might even regret.
It’s that person, you know? The one person who all you ever wanted to think of was you were the one as well.
"Which side do you prefer?" You questioned
'Beside you,' my mind would quip
Oh how foolish I thought of myself as I continued to come up with the appropriate response.
"Whichever side after you choose," I manage to say
You chose the right side and I didn’t really care. For I knew, it didn’t matter in the morning. I always end up alone in the middle of the empty bed you would leave me in.
It was always about endless hoping when it came to you and I felt so exhausted. Constant longing, constant wanting but nothing was ever enough. I had to drown in this love to finally realize that it was never going to save me.
I wish it made sense—all these things I felt for you. Then I could talk myself out of it and can rationally conclude that this isn’t a good idea. But I was never practical with matters of the heart, and your kisses threw my caution to the wind before I could ask even ask for more.
"What do you want?" You asked
In my head, I could think of you. I want all moments when we’re so vulnerable it makes it hard for me to breathe. I want your love and passion. I want to share your demons, your greed and your pain. I want the imperfect life we would have. What I want is for this to last.
But I knew you were expecting that answer, and in a way, you were waiting for me to make the mistake of wanting more.
"Just now is good," I will always reply
This is us. You never gave me more and I never gave in.
They kept saying, “Don’t get attached. Don’t get attached.”
And I kept assuring them, “I won’t, I’ll be fine.”
But really, countless of nights later, how can I not?
After our bodies have connected in so much ways one can imagine
After you asked me to tell you of dreams I’ve never said aloud
After you’ve spoken of childhood memories that I wish I witnessed
After we’ve exchanged kisses so deep that I always find myself drowning in
For after all these, the warnings were senseless.
It was too late because I knew, that little by little, a part of me had become you.
There was no point. Deep down, I knew that you would not turn around
—even, if my mouth speaks of the words spilling out of this old broken heart
You would eventually leave and I will hold my peace
—A peace brought upon by the acceptance of defeat
I stayed silent because there were no words
—nothing I could say to make you stay